Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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