when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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