I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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