Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
