Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
