You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
