Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
