life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just want to make out with him forever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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