I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
