Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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