Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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