Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
