nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize