Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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