last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
