Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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