I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
