Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
