Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
