You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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