Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
