Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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