I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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