You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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