peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
