i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
