I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
