a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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