The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
