you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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