think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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