I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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