i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize