i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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