Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
