I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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