It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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