I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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