Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
