I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
