the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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