I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
