i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
