I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
