apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Couch. On fire.
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