You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
