Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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