Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
it's like heaven, but drunker
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
