There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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