I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
