Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
