you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
