I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
