Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
